I Stopped Chasing My Dreams

I have been making vision boards for each new year, break these down to goals for each month, and even further, to-do lists for each day. This is me for a little more than a decade. But in 2018, I stopped. I stopped doing my vision board. I did not have a planner. I did not write a single daily list of to-do’s. Not that I gave up on life but because I wanted to test a theory- a theory on destiny, “Whatever is meant for you will not pass you.” Equivalently, whatever is not meant for you will never be yours. 

I welcomed the year with no plans, no expectations but with recycled dreams, usual fire for the things I love and willingness to embrace whatever comes along the way. It was at first scary but I knew I had taken uncalculated risks in the past, what could go wrong. How did my year go? Best year yet! Just like how I describe my every year during my evaluations because really, I learned so much. Unexpected, unplanned big things came as surprises and I was not disappointed about those which did not happen because I never planned anything in the first place. Ha! What a relief! 

I am a worrier. Worry is deeply rooted within me I reckon I was born with it. I worry about every tiny detail in my life I have control issues. So imagine a big goal in my vision board made on January only realized in the middle of the year or worse, the last month, or worst never. In 2018 my biggest achievement, I consider, is letting go and letting God. I have always told this to myself, have written it on borders of my books and notebooks, posted it on my bedroom walls but it is only now that I can say I have fully lived by it. Now allow me to scratch that “am” on the first statement of this paragraph and change it to “was”. I was a worrier. Ahhh... That felt good. That kind of transformation was never part of the plan, was not forced into me by me, but it happened because it was meant to be . I feel so free... plus I am sleeping better. Ha!

Since I did not have dreams posted on my wall, I had nowhere else to look but within. 2018 was an intimate journey within myself. I am a fan of books of how to’s and chasing dreams. I must admit the readings opened my mind, made me more aware of the vastness of the world, the places I can go, the amazing possibilities. There is so much out there to achieve but I got a little confused along the way. With so much access to other people’s dreams, I confused mine with their’s. Theirs were so loud I got distracted and forgot to listen to mine. I learned to carefully choose what to feed my mind and my eyes.

Now with better understanding of my own dreams- what I really want to become, do, and have, I am ready to face another year. And I am getting back to having a vision board and goals because... they are fun and planners are really irresistible! Ha! I got this one by Des Feliciano and Krissy Domingo.

But really, because I also believe in Law of Attraction: "You attract into your life whatever you are focusing on." This may sound like a contradiction to the above theory on destiny but I think the former precedes the latter. I have to start somewhere and besides writing dreams sparks excitement and fuels motivation.

Chasing is too strong of a word for a slow-paced me. It makes me panic when I can not achieve this and that within a timeline. I will keep dreaming, discerning for the purpose of those dreams that are planted in my heart, working for those dreams,  and believing that whatever is meant for me will never pass me. More importantly, just in case the worrier in me will try to show up, I will rest in the comfort that whatever is not meant for me, however hard I will work and chase for it, will never ever be mine. 

Have a blissful, bountiful, and peaceful year ahead, friends.

Dear Caela

I came across this post about your second birthday, read it again and it dawned on me that I missed seeing you grow everyday the past 4 years. I only get to experience you few weeks in a year but in those fleeting times, know that you make Tata happy. 

I remember vividly the first time I came home after being away for almost five months. I intentionally did not announce my arrival to surprise everyone. Indeed, Papsy and Granny were caught off guard. I received very tight hugs. I knew you would not be home until the next day and I told them to keep it a secret that I had arrived. And so the next day came. You were a little groggy from the bus ride. I was hiding sitting on the couch waiting for you to step in and when you did I just looked at you, smiled, and said, "Surprise!" You gathered your thoughts for a second then jumped on me, hugged me tightly while you exclaimed, "Tata!" Oh, that was one of the best feelings in the world. Since then, I make my homecomings unannounced because it gives my heart a little tenderness. 

When you get a little older and bump into my blog, you will find things about you here and there. May you read these stories one day and know that you give this family more than joy. You make each day more special just by your little and sometimes silly ways. I am in awe of you, baby girl. And you promised that even when you get taller than me, you would still allow me to call you that. I called you Ching the last time I was home, short for tabachingching, because you were getting chubby but you insisted on baby girl still. 

Well then, enjoy your childhood, baby girl! We celebrated your 7th birthday this year and it was themed Belle of Beauty and the Beast. That was a fun party! You and your mom planned it very well. 

Your current favorite song is Never Enough and we watched The Greatest Showman together on my laptop. The first time, you fell asleep. The first poem you ever memorized is All Things Bright and Beautiful. You did that for school but I hope as you grow older, you will understand each word by heart. That is Tata's favorite poem. Your handwriting is beautiful. Your reading is excellent but you need to improve on numbers. Ha! But you are already very good at multiplication. 

May you grow up healthy, smart, and happy. 

Super tight hugs,

Tata

P.S. Here are a few photos of the younger you.

Your first time in Intramuros, Manila where you learned about Dr. Jose Rizal

At Tita Buday's place in Shell Residences, Pasay City while waiting for others

Before the Sea Lion Show in Manila Ocean Park. You named that toy Isabel after the sea lion performer.

Before going to kindergarten school.

This was the first time you wrote TATAA with an extra A. I was ecstatic! You just turned 3.

Flower girl for the nth time in Bagumbayan, Sultan Kudarat. You love wearing lipstick and being made up.

Currently Vol.10

I am writing (the draft of) this issue of the Currently series 35,000 ft above the ground on board flight AirAsia Z2 236 from Jakarta to Manila. This is the first on board article of my blog, ever! How exciting is the sound of that?! I love firsts! *Insert a grin from ear to ear.* However, this will be posted upon landing since there is no wifi on board. Ha!

READING
AirAsia's Inflight Magazine, Travel 360, because I am one of those people who not only scan but read inflight magazines. I start with the airline's routes and the recommended sites to see. Next is admiring photos of models of jewelries, clothes or fragrances. I then proceed to reading features of places or traditions and the tell tales of the editorial team. There is usually two or three of this type of article. Finally, I spend most of my time reading articles of a featured personality. It can be in interview style or the person writes the article himself. Not only do I learn about the stories of their success in their respective fields but also the "book-worthy" events on the way to it. It is comforting to know that there are people who have somehow gone through and surpassed the same challenges as we have right now.

WRITING
Or will start writing the extended version of the article we have submitted for a journal as part of my dissertation. Praying for a positive outcome on that submission! :)

LISTENING
To the plane's loud engines but I am not at all complaining. I would rather hear the engines and know that they are still there than stop hearing them because that would only mean one thing, right? Ha!

I am also intently listening to indistinct chattering all around me. The sounds of these foreign languages are music to my ears. There is Chinese (do not ask me whether Mandarin or whatnots), Bahasa, etc. It makes me grateful to be surrounded by strangers (foreign at that) because it means for me that a dream has come true. That is the feeling everytime I travel.

THINKING
About how these airline food catering work. It seems like a big industry! On that note, who says airplane food are no good? I just had Uncle Chin's chicken rice, which does not look appetizing for lack of colors but it tastes pretty good. This was preordered and the price was not that bad. Php180 saves you from a hassle, specially during longer flights, plus it gives you something to do.

FEELING
Sleepy but enjoying this (slightly) quiet alone time before going back to reality. Not that I do not think of those wonderful 8 traveling days as reality. It was a worry-free snap out of my student life, which is nothing close to worry-free. Ha!

LOVING
The beautiful sight of a group of well-dressed old people traveling together. Seated beside me even looks like one of those aunties in the Crazy Rich Asians movie. She has this updo hairstyle carefully sprayed to make every strand in place, rings on almost all of her fingers, shimmering gold and silver bracelets, floral big blouse, giant dark sunglasses, face foundation a few shades lighter than her neck's and popping cheeks and lip colors. I wonder why she is flying with AirAsia and not in some other airline for the crazy rich. Ha! She is an Indonesian citizen but of Chinese heritage according to her and she speaks little English. She is a nice seatmate, not one of those annoying ones. She offers a share of her food even before she starts eating. Next to her is her husband who has just been quiet this whole time.

Some of the gentlemen of their group dressed in batik polos are seated in front of me and have not stopped chattering even during their meals. I cannot understand any word they say but by the expressions in their faces, tones of their voices, and energy on their hand gestures they seem to be enjoying their lives.

A family with two toddlers a few rows ahead are very busy! So much is happening in a span of one minute I cannot keep up. What I can only record now is that the older child keeps herself busy with videos downloaded from Youtube. The younger one keeps his parents busy by being a normal toddler of course.

WANTING
To finish the quick video of my Jakarta snapshots. I like making vidoes of my trips. I now enjoy moving images better than the still ones. By the way, I was in Indonesia for a math conference.

NEEDING
To take a nap after this. :)

WISHING
To see a wishing star (or falling star) because I want to make a wish. Ha! I remember tying a white handkerchief then closing my eyes to make a wish everytime I see a falling star years back. I think I want to feel that feeling again because I am all for feeling feelings! Although I now know it really is not a star but a meteor, that fact does not take away the magic everytime I see a falling star.

Also, I remember this fascination of falling stars because of the story of Captain Lim Khoy Hing, a pilot, who authored an article in this month's issue of Travel 360. Another article is about a Malaysian property developer turned author of a fiction novel at 78! I like what he says here:

"When I told them it's fiction, they were rather surprised! I suppose in their minds, an autobiography would have been a natural climax to one's public life."

It reminds us that it is never too late to do what we have always wanted to do, that we can always have as many feathers in our hats as we would like to have, and we do not have to take the straight path. Being different would be a good surprise, not just to other people but to our soul.

May you open those pages of the inflight magazine the next time you travel, friends!

***This is not a sponsored post. I am just being appreciative. :)

Currently Vol.9

Feeling extra pumped up because of all the music I have been playing while working. And so before I travel to snooze land, I am in the mood for a currently entry. 

READING

A Radon-Nikodym Theorem for Capacities by Siegfried Graf. :) Well, because we are creating something similar for another type for "measure". That's a quote and quote because it is not really a measure by the definition but of some sort. Hah! It is something exciting and guess what, I really enjoy doing this. Not everyday is a good one but that is research, right? I just keep on keeping on!

WRITING

Oh, right. Well, apart from my current cliches, I also enjoy writing (more like typing) here. This is my sanctuary. It relaxes my mind when I put my thoughts and feelings in words. Besides, I have to exercise my writing skill because I think I am losing it. 

LISTENING

To old songs still - Adele's When We Were Young, Coldplay's Scientist and Yellow, and from Crazy Rich Asian's version of Can't Help Falling In Love With You. Oh, what music can do to your soul. And that Love on Top by Beyonce? That gave me moves! 

THINKING 

About Vietnam. I finally had the chance to travel outside the Philippines! I still have to share photos of that really momentous trip! On December of 2017, I went to four countries - Taiwan, Vietnam, Malaysia and Singapore. I stayed the longest in Vietnam (10 days) and maybe that is why I miss it the most. The culture, the people, the sceneries, the FOOD! Here are few snaps from my Vietnam trip.

FEELING

Fulfilled because of some accomplishments. :)

LOVING

Oh, I want to list under this my current random favorites!

• Breakfast - Quaker Oats in Chocolate plus raisins (Oats can be boring but chocolate flavored and with raisins? Come on, give me more!)
• TV Series - Netflix's Forensic Files Collection (Anything science is interesting!)
• Podcast - Oprah's Super Soul Sunday (specially the episode with a Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh)
• Collection - Pens (Keeping all the pens since I started my PhD and shopping for more!)
• App - Investagram (I started investing in the stock market three years ago but only learned the technicals months back. This app is the bomb! The best app to read the charts.)

I have to close the parenthesis and elaborate on that one because I believe that while others were made for singing, dancing, painting, coding, and running, I was made for reading charts. Haha! Everyone has a purpose and the world now seems to project that the only fun thing to do is traveling, taking photos, collecting make-up, having a Youtube channel, etc. I love to break the news that not everyone is made for the arts... or sports. Some are made for science and numbers, which are equally fun and entertaining. Some can really do everything.  The important thing is, we know what we are made to do and not just do the things that everyone does. Find that purpose and make a living out of it just like those people we see on TV, watch on Youtube and follow on Instagram. They entertain and inspire and they are paid for that. How wonderful it really is if we can do what we truly love and be paid in doing so!

WANTING 
-
NEEDING 
To wash my dishes then sleep so I am skipping the other items. :) 

WISHING 
- 

May you enjoy your current favorites, friends!

Family Outing in Gumasa

The first time I was away from home for so long (four months) was during the first semester of my PhD. And I remember it to be the worst feeling ever! The whole PhD idea was supposed to be an ideal and normal course for someone in academe. However, it was just an option for me. I did not have a dream that big for my career. But when time and situation called for it, I took the leap of faith and jumped right on. Needless to say, I was not prepared. I mean no one can really be prepared for something but it was such a roller coaster ride for me. The first few weeks I was at the bravest and weakest me.

Missing home was the worst part. I was already 30 years old at that time but no one can never be too old for a mother's hug and a breakfast and dinner prepared by a father. I was not used to be in a strange land surrounded by strangers for a long time. I can only imagine how harder it is for our overseas Filipino workers. Comparing yourself to others is sometimes a good thing, you see. It makes you grateful for what you have. It does get better!

When I went home after that first semester, the family went out for a beach trip in Gumasa, the Little Boracay of Sarangani Province. Looking at these photos makes me grateful for the family I have and all I have ever desired is a life of good health, happiness, contentment, and fulfillment for all of them. 

May you cherish your family, friends.

Light Bulb Moment

Hey you all! That is, if my past readers are still here. It's been more than 2 years! I hope you are doing very well wherever you are. And to my new readers, hi. Thank you for bumping into my tiny side of the world. Just a quick life update. I am still a student finishing my dissertation for PhD in Math degree. Oh, these years of studying got me into a lot of experiences that I am gonna save to share the next time. 

What really got me to drag myself signing in to blogger again, after all these years, is this very important and very short youtube video. So please take time to watch. 

I want to write down the points that lead the woman (from the audience) to a light bulb moment. 

Woman: I think I am trying to be loyal to the fact that I came from poverty. 

Oprah: What she has is a belief system that says I cannot really accept the abundance that is offered to me or that is available to me because I believe I have to remain loyal to my poverty.

Woman: People that I knew that had a lot of money, that was their identity. And I do not want to build an identity around money.

Oprah: The whole idea of having wealth is not letting wealth use you but you use it. The more money you get, it does not really change you unless you are the kind of person who is defined by money.

Guest: There is a difference between wealth and materialism, and many people confuse the two.

Aha!!! Did you just have the same light bulb moment as that woman? This idea of difference between wealth and materialism is now what I firmly believe in. But it took me some time and tons of readings to convince my thoughts that hey, it's ok to dream of being wealthy. It is ok to have lots of money. Cringe. Yeah I know, right?! Because money is such a sensitive and controversial topic of conversation on this side of the world. 

We, majority of us, do not talk about money on dinner tables with our family. Or maybe we do but it is mostly about our salary and how we get by the next days or weeks with all the utility bills, food, loans, education and other expenses we have to deal with. How we help to send our younger siblings to college, how we help our parents with the medication maintenance and their everyday needs during their retirement. But never about educating ourselves about finances! Yes, I am talking about financial literacy here. I do not mean only stocks, bonds, mutual funds but also budgeting, saving, proper investing. And we cannot start this conversation properly if we cannot recognize that there is a difference between being wealthy (and using that money to better ourselves, the people around us, and the community as a whole) and being materialistic (ending up being mean, greedy and proud). A thing is neither good nor bad. It is your action towards it that determines its worth.

So, it is okay to have money! Even lots of it! I hope this video has the same effect on you, too.

It does not stop on that recognition of being worthy of the possible abundance we can acquire but it is a big start!

May you have a wealth of thoughts, friends.